RELATIONSHIPS AND INTIMACY IN CHINA- LEARNINGS FROM A WORKSHOP

While Bruce has been busy exploring the huge city of Beijing (and discovering new places I will want to see at some point!!) I have been busy teaching a 3-day workshop on relationships and intimacy. WHEW, if you are wondering what I as an older, Western, American woman have to say about relationships to younger women in China, I was also wondering the same thing. Here are some thoughts and impressions, now that the workshop has finished (Note: These are my impressions of young Chinese women, so there is still a lot I don’t know.) 

Bruce at DongYue Daoist Temple

I didn’t take a lot of photos in the workshop, but I included some photos from other settings, since this is a longer and wordy blog entry. 

The focus of a workshop on relationships and intimacy is daunting: what kinds of relationships? Parents and children? Intimidating supervisors? A friend to whom  you would like to become closer? Deepening or changing the relationship you already have with a married partner? This ‘tip of an iceberg’ doesn’t even begin to include the breadth of relationships we are more culturally comfortable with in the US: relationships between people who identify as GLBTQ or those who have open or polyamorous relationships. (I suspect these also exist in China, but they are less culturally accepted and less safe than in the US-and we are still wrestling with these non-traditional relationships in the US as well.)

The participants who showed up for the workshop were all 19-40 year-old women.  Some were married/some not, some had children/some not, and some were familiar with therapy/some were not. It became clear that for most of the workshop participants, what they were hoping to learn was how to become closer and deepen relationships that they either already had or hoped to have in the future.  Some were also hoping I could teach them how to ‘fix’ their partner or husband. (The fact that I could not help them change anyone who didn’t want to ‘change’, especially since that person needed to be an active part of the process, not passively ‘changed’ by someone who hoped they might change, was a concept that I ended up needing to repeat many times over the three days.)

Nap break during the workshop (lunch too)

My understanding of Chinese culture is that traditionally, the roles of men and women were very clearly and articulately defined. Men have overt, direct power, make the decisions, are responsible for affairs outside of the family home and historically could have affairs with other women (if they were wealthy enough) for love and sex (since marriage was traditionally for strengthening family alliances and perpetuating the family line- through a male child).  Women, on the other hand,were to serve their husbands (and the husband’s mother), reproduce (hopefully birthing a male heir), take care of the household and all affairs inside the house. Any type of control or power, for a married woman come either through indirect manipulation of her husband (or his mother) or by becoming the mother of the first son of that family (something they had minimal control over. (See Bruce’s discussion of the modern consequences of this male child cultural value when mixed with China’s recent historic one-child policy in his earlier blogs). 

From this workshop and conversations with some of my students, I have learned that while my students often longed for children and a relationship, they were not willing to be stuck in these traditional patterns with a man (intentionally using the CIS gender term here).  However, it also became clear that the shift toward more modern ‘love-based’ relationships is being led by the women, and the men are changing more slowly and often with reluctance.  (Or perhaps they are not sure what needs to change).

Pollution at a canal near where I did some supervision

We started exploring basic concepts about personal boundaries and the important relationship between vulnerability and feeling safe enough to become more emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually intimate.  Several students said that the idea of personal boundaries was a new concept to them….and one that they found helpful.  Does this reflect a difference between Western and Eastern relationship values, differences in parental childrearing practices or something else? I don’t know, but I was aware that a number of people were delighted to be exploring this new concept. 

Because of the strong cultural value for harmonious relationships with others, the pattern and rules for the expression of emotions is also different from what I am used to. Strong feelings are detrimental to the balance of the social fabric and expressing feelings directly or honestly, is usually not encouraged.  For example, anger/frustration is usually expressed indirectly (Someone shared a story of observing a woman who was upset at her husband and then proceeded to yell at her child.)  Sadness is avoided or hidden whenever possible (at first many students seemed embarrassed to be having tears- and they usually tried to cry in the least intrusive way possible).  It is challenging to lead a workshop that focuses on emotions and authentic communication. I wondered with the class about what happens to strong feelings if they are not expressed in some way. I also wondered how my valuing of more direct and honest expressions fit with Chinese cultural values. However, I also noticed that as the workshop progressed, people were able to speak more honestly and openly in the group- and sat closer and closer to each other in the circle.   

Hospital and students after supervision

For some, it was challenging to express their needs to others. While culturally having personal needs to be fulfilled by others, is  not encouraged, especially for women. As a result, many of my students seemed to have a deep sense of victimization and inability to take action in their world. For others, exploring the broad range of what relationships can provide, as well as the importance of not expecting to find the ‘perfect partner’, seemed to open up possibilities for their futures. These issues are not unique to Chinese women, but I learned a lot hearing the issues and dreams of this group of wonderful women. 

Finally, we explored the relationship of early childhood experiences and adult relationship patterns. This led to a sharing of important stories about parents, grandparents who had lived through China’s traumatic history. Several people were tearful as they their experiences being raised by grandparents, or by parents (usually the mom) who were extremely critical or distant.

I have more to say, but this blog has gotten fairly long. We will probably have a few more entries once we get home, for now its time to pack and get ready for our ride to the airport.